Breaking down; The Shit Hole We Call Life

It’s becoming almost painful now.

I’m in the most awkward of places sitting down and typing this. Think the place you go to pee times 2o graffiti scrawls.

And I have something I need to say.

This blog and Eleanor’s challenge is very important to me. The journal I keep for this blog is the first thing I turn to in the morning and the last thing I think about at night. I spend so much of my conscious time thinking about my fears and worrying about the standards I’ve set for myself.

I’m not that resilient. And I’m seriously breaking down right now under the stress of just getting everything down. Of just not falling behind.

The show’s today. I’m freaking out. I’m not emotionally ready.

I’ve to go teach today. I’m freaking out.

Tomorrow I have a major brainstorming meeting and a teaching stint. I’m freaking out.

Next week one of my favorite choreographers is in town and I really want to dance for him. But my teaching partner hurt himself recently and it looks like I have to take over his classes. I’m freaking out. That’s 2-3 hours of teaching a day. A Day. For possibly a month till he gets back on track.

Cliff’s company work??? I’m so behind on my responsibilities and it’s not even funny. And I actually adore every atom of that man.

The Juicy Life project? Let’s just say I’ve been hanging out on the passive side. I haven’t even written up on a blog post yet or contributed anything meaningful.

I haven’t talked my folks in ages too and the guilt is killing me,

Let’s not even go into the various assignments and house chores and teaching plans and all the volunteer work I’ve signed up to do. I’m not emotionally ready for all these commitments right now that I should have been ready for.

But the brave thing for me to do right now, is ironically, NOT to take a break. The brave thing to do for me right now is to face all the crap I’ve been procrastinating ( ha, funny, one of the main reasons for this blog was to zero me on my procrastination )

and live the hecticness 110%. I signed up for all of this, I knew what I was getting into, I should have been better prepared, far more organized. I’m sorry I keep failing at this crap stick we call life.

It’s organized chaos what can I say?

So yes, I’m breaking but I’m not taking a break. This blog is very important to me; one might say it’s the only thing keeping me alive right now.

Thumbnail Photo is credited to this wonderful person