Fear is…

Crippling.

After scoffing down a quart of homemade curry turkey salad, I’ve finally come to turns with the god awful day it has been. The week has come and gone and tomorrow will bring its’ own set of challenges. Again, I glance at my calender to make sure I’m on track. It really is Initiative 70 tomorrow.

Fucckkk. I’ve yet to perfect Initiative #58 yet go out and bravely attempt to accomplish #70. Life sucks I tell you. It kicks you in the ass when you’re most vulnerable and demands you stand back up for more.

So “do one thing everyday that scares you” ? I’ve been testing myself to see whether I still have the same fears as before.

The answer is yes, the fears are still there. Part of me became extremely depressed; one would expect some sort of change in myself. Right right? Hello, what did you think I was doing this for if not self gratification?!!!???

And I can’t even get that. PSSSSSH.

I’m not even trying to be perfect. (Okay that was a lie. One of my many fears is appearing imperfect before someone/something and accepting imperfection in myself). I was just trying to let go of some fears in hopes that I wouldn’t have to revisit them.

I want to get rid of these fears, not face them just for the sake of facing them and then pray as fast as hell that I’d never come across them again. I already feel superficial with posting my ‘success’ stories here, knowing that, perhaps in another time and place, that fear could very well be magnified.

Then what would I do? What would I truly do if I had to face one of my fears without having the prior luxury of planning for it?

Oh this is thoroughly depressing.

I’m going to wallow in my curry turkey salad again – at least I got this right. I’m actually very fond of slathering peanut sauce on it; it’s disgustingly creamy and salty and spicy, with slivers of almonds that haven’t a crunch left to them and the kind of turkey meat that’s just pathetic.

Bleh. Thanks for reading my rantiest post yet. This is likely the first of many. And hey. I’m being honest.

Will update tomorrow I promise. I’ve made some strides worth trumpeting like

1. walking backwards for 2 blocks on Pearl Street with the Awesome Amy C.

2. discussing the merits of tattoos and girly backup plans with the equally quirky Emma N.

3. not smashing up a Barbie in anger while playing with it alone yesterday. It.

4. being super honest about my ehhmm..needs right now.

5. not hitting on the next person who could fulfill them.

6. getting rid of post it notes.

7. donating one of my favorite articles of clothing to Goodwill. They had better appreciate my fancy-dinner-date outfit. Why I donated it? Because I felt that I was no longer that person who needed a fall back outfit to feel good on on a date. Because letting go of a flattering and very cherished dress is scary

Might as well tell you about them on Wednesday. With no curry turkey salad on the side.